Part 1 - The Validation

( Kitchen ambience ) 

My parents were very conservative, they didn't really know much about mental health. 

There was a lot of stress in the family, like financially.
They quarrel. Sometimes even physical fights.
As a child, it can be quite traumatizing. 

So I don't want to share my own problem with them because they already going through so much. Don’t want to make it worse. 

Crying was a way of letting it out, but I never do it in front of them.
I actually started self-harming. That was one way I coped with all the stress. 

( Glass break. Intense drone )

When I was 17, my dad was shouting at me one day.
If I didn't do something for them, I would get scolded.
If my father saw I was crying, he’ll get more angry.
And I didn't want him to be more angry because I was already so frightened.
I tell myself - stop crying. Stop crying. I'm 17, I shouldn't be crying, why am i so useless? 

I wasn't doing well in my studies, my parents would start to hurl all these insults.
why am I so stupid? 

So I took a pen and just stabbed my wrist, so I can focus more on the pain instead of crying. 

I started to do that if I felt useless or unworthy.
You want that validation. But you don't know how. 

My mom also had self-harm scars when she was younger.
When she noticed mine, she was quite worried.
But she couldn't do much because she didn't understand.
My father tried to talk to me, probably the first time he actually tried to help. 

When I told him how I felt, he would say -

Father : It’s all in your head. You should just think positive. Don’t think negative! 

But when you’re at your lowest, you don’t really know what to do.

Someone tells you, oh, just be strong....That is not helpful.

( Intense drone ends )

I attempted the first time, but it didn’t work. 

Part 2 - I had to be normal 

( School bell. School ambience ) 

When I went to secondary school, I just wanted to make friends.
When these people were very accepting of me, I thought,
oh maybe they could be my new best friends.
But a lot of people were very selfish and wanted to use people for their own gains. 

I just wanted that same approval that I wanted from my own parents.
I wanted to make these friends happy, sacrificing whatever I can for them. 

But what I was going through, I didn't really share it. 

If I shared my problems, that would make me feel weak and I didn't want to feel weak. 

( School bell ) 

After secondary school, I cut off a lot of toxic friends.
Then in poly, I made all these new friends. I finally felt appreciated and understood. There was also a girl I like.
It was the first time I showed interest in studying, yet my parents didn't believe in me. 

( Intense drone )

I was so misunderstood by my own family, I felt I was all alone.
It made life very difficult to live in.
Because depression made it very hard for me. It affected my studies. 

I wanted to be happy, not that I don't want to, but it's so difficult. 

And so on that particular day, I just wanted to end it all. 

( Intense drone ends )

Part 3 - Hatred towards myself 

( Dark music ) 

My girlfriend was very emotionally abusive.
At first she was really kind, sweet and caring. Then things changed. She was also dealing with a lot of mental issues. 

When we started dating, we were very emotionally unstable.
Because I was helping her with her mental illnesses,
So, slowly, she got better, but I became worse because it was never really fixed. 

She felt I was not useful anymore.
She blamed me for a lot of things - 

Girlfriend : It's your fault that our relationship was such a failure. 

I actually never loved you. 

That really hurts me.
I never care for myself, I only care about her.
If this relationship ended, there's nothing else in my life. 

( Water dripping ) 

When we broke up, I actually took a knife and stabbed myself.
I stabbed my ribcage. It didn't pierce through, it just hit the bone.
My entire body just shut down. I couldn't move. I couldn't even breathe. 

Because I actually experienced it, I was not scared anymore.
I could probably end my life now.
It was a sense of indifference, even hatred towards myself. 

( Music ends. Last drop of water dripping ) 

Part 4 - I’ll give my secrets away

( Knocking on the door )

( Door opens ) 

( Clock ticking starts )

At the hospital, they made me see a psychologist. He didn't understand what I was trying to say. He would say things similar to my parents. like, you know this kind of problems are very common, you should just think a little bit more positive.
And when I heard that comment I was like, ah, so he doesn't understand.
I will just try to end this as quickly as I can. 

( Door slams ) 

My family was giving me the space to recover.
They didn't know how to help, so they just let me handle it on my own but to support however they can. 

Then I met D, another counselor. Once a week. I was dealing with a lot of suicidal thoughts. She gave me her phone number and said - 

D : If you ever feel like self-harming, or feeling shitty, just talk to me, ok? 

( Ethereal music )

I felt really touched. Her personal number.
When she gave it to me, I wasn't going to abuse it.
I felt really touched that she would even go to this extent. 

D : You should never feel bad, never say sorry for ever asking for help, at least you are reaching out for help, which is a sign of progress, a sign of recovery. 

( Water dripping ) 

When I started seeing D, I had not cut myself for almost a year.
Sometimes I will pick up the knife....I’ll be holding it, look at it, tell myself to put it away.... even though that temptation was so, so big.
I feel like all this progress will go down the drain, just by picking the knife up.
Slowly, this voice in my head grew louder, but it wasn't easy. 

( Ethereal music ends. Water dripping stops )

Part 5 - Beautiful flowers 

( Drawing of window curtains. Morning ambience ) 

I never thought I would reach the end of this year. 

It was so difficult to imagine a future for myself.
I try to live each day as if it was my last. 

( Hopeful music )

Maybe it was that belief, maybe someday, it will get better. Someday, somehow, even though I didn't even know how. Maybe a very very small part of me wanted to hold on to that. 

I didn't want to give up. 

Maybe in future, I would gain so much more new opportunities, new experiences. 

And if I end my life before then, I wouldn't be able to experience that. 

( Glass breaks )

On days when it’s very hard, i just stay in my room and cry alone. 

There were days I didn't think I can make it.
At least get through each day.
Eventually, one day became two days, two days became a month. 

By the end of the year, when I wake up, there is at least hope. 

Hey, maybe this day could be a good day.
Sometimes I even feel happy.. Just happy for no reason.
When I noticed that, at least I can finally say, hey I'm actually improving. 

( Drawing of window curtains )

I don't need your pity. I want to show that this is something I'm going through.
It is real. I still want to be treated like a person.
I don't want to tell people that I have depression, immediately they see me differently. Oh, maybe he can't do this or that. 

I just want you to accept this problem and allow me to recover. 

You know, like flowers, sometimes they bloom, sometimes they wither and die. 

But if given enough care, they can grow to be something so beautiful.

( Hopeful music ends )