Overwhelmed by her volatile childhood, Gabriella questions the meaning of her existence. Walk with Gabriella in her self discovery of compassion, courage and grace.
My parents said, don’t be so anti-social.
So if my parents judge me, it means the whole world judges me.
I think because she was really embarrassed by it, you know, she has a daughter with depression.
Feeling anxious when perceiving danger or uncertainty is normal and part of being human. For some, however, excessive and prolonged anxiety can leave one feeling overwhelmed and impair daily functioning in school, at work, when relating to others and in other areas of life. Anxiety disorders are often characterised by a cluster of cognitive, physical, emotional, and behavioural symptoms, which include:
•Excessive anxiety and fear
•Rapid thoughts
•Difficulty in concentration
•Heart palpitations
•Shallow breaths
•Trembling
•Sweating and hot flashes
•Muscle tension
•Fatigue
•Restlessness and irritability
•Feelings of impending doom
•Sleep difficulties
•Social avoidance and withdrawal
Anxiety disorders are treatable. Most people with anxiety disorders will recover when treated with counselling, medications, or a combination of both.
It's not their fault, it's really all mine, it's just me.
There wasn't any pushing of blame, it was really more of.... Thanks for everything.
It's very hard not to think about suicide.
It’s always there. So I try to fight back my thoughts.
Eating healthy well-balanced meals
Exercising regularly
Getting
enough sleep
Keeping healthy work-life balance
Limiting social media/
screen time
Having healthy boundaries in relationships
Letting go of the expectation to be
perfect
Spending
time
in nature
Connecting within in solitude
Forgiving ourselves
and others
Self-care is found in the moments when we act with intention to care for our well-being.
Even if everyone else is giving up on you, you have to believe that you can make it through, you will get better.
The traditional Japanese practice of Kintsugi teaches us that what had broken may not be something to throw away.
When a ceramic bowl breaks, we usually throw the pieces away with regret. However, there is another way. Kintsugi, which means “golden repair”, is the practice of using liquid gold or silver to glue the pieces back together while at the same time enhancing the breaks. Each Kintsugi piece is special, because of the effort and care taken to form the unique patterns, and thereby giving the bowl a new lease of life that is even more precious because of its scars.
Such is the essence of resilience in life. We may have experienced something sad, traumatic, or tragic in the past. We can always find a way to cope with it, learn and grow from it, forgive ourselves and others, heal our scars, and transform what happened into something meaningful. In fact, it is exactly these experiences and our healing journey that make each of us unique with our precious scars.
Taking the first step to seek help might be difficult. Help is available when you do.
Shan You Counselling Centre
Address: Block 5, Upper Boon Keng Road, #02-15, Singapore 380005
Phone: 6741 9293 (Mon, Wed – Friday, 9am – 6pm & Tue, 12pm – 9pm) excludingPH
Email: counselling@shanyou.org.sg
Provide counselling services to all in the community regardless of race and religion.
Institute of Mental Health 24-hour Emergency Services (Walk-in)
Address: 10 Buangkok View, Buangkok Green Medical Park, Singapore 539747
Provide urgent assessment and treatment for those who experience acute difficulties in their mental health.
Institute of Mental Health Helpline
6389 2222 (24 hours)
Provide support for those in mental health distress and/or seeking medical help.
Samaritans of Singapore Hotline
1800 221 4444 (24 hours) / 1767 (24 hours)
Provide emotional support for individuals having difficulty coping during a crisis, thinking of suicide and/or affected by suicide.
TOUCHline by Touch Youth Services
1800 377 2252 (Mon – Fri, 9am – 6pm)
A helpline for youth-related issues, including cyber wellness.
Care Corner Counselling Centre Hotline (Mandarin)
1800 353 5800 (Daily, 10am – 10pm) excludingPH
Provide counselling in Mandarin for individuals and families.
National Care Hotline
1800 202 6868 (Daily, 8am – 12am)
Provide emotional support for individuals whose lives have been disrupted by the COVID-19 outbreak.
Note: Information is correct at the time of printing but may be subject to change.
Part 1 - Don’t cry
( Children playing )
Since Primary School, every morning I have stomachache. I didn’t like going to school.
My parents didn't take it seriously, I don't think I even know that I was anxious.
Especially in Primary School, no one really told us anything about depression, anxiety.
Maybe they think we are too young to understand.
I'm not a very social person, I don't like to mix around, scared of being judged by others.
My parents said, don’t be so anti-social.
They hate it when I don't mix around.
So if my parents judge me, it means the whole world judges me.
( Light music )
Because I'm a single child, I have no one to talk to, to play with or complain to.
My parents always tell me -
Mother : Don’t trouble others, handle it yourself,
no one is going to be there for you forever.
( Door slams )
I can't cry in front of my parents. My mom doesn't like it, she'll cane me if I cry.
I never cry in school. I was so used to putting on a mask.
But I was scared and worried everyday. what's going to happen today?
Will I get scolding, beaten up?
( Door open )
( Light music )
During PSLE, the stress from my parents got worse.
I remember one day, my homework got a lot of careless mistakes.
I was very scared, my mom chased me out the house.
It was12 midnight already. I had to kneel and beg her to let me go in the house.
( Door slams )
Part 2 - Can you help me?
( Light music )
I had panic attacks for about 3 years.
It got so bad, the school kept pushing my parents to bring me to see a psychiatrist.
I know my parents didn't want to.
My mom didn't want to get involved at all.
I think because she was really embarrassed by it,
you know, she has a daughter with depression.
( Chinese gong with temple ambience )
They always think it’s something bad in my body, following me.
So they bring me to temple. And use the Chinese exorcism kind of thing.
I didn't like it because it was very scary. Yeah.
So they just kept forcing me to these places and it was just a lot of stress.
It's very tiring to live. Every morning is always another day again, another day again,
it's really never ending, going in circles.
I withdraw from everything. I lost interest in dance. something I used to love.
I was thinking of suicide. I wanted my mom to notice it.
( Intense drone )
Hey mommy. Look! there's something wrong with me. Can you help me?
She always say -
Mother : It’s nothing!
To her, it’s very ridiculous and stupid to kill yourself.
Maybe about 5 months before, I thought maybe if I do this,
mommy will give me more attention.
But slowly ….. it was more of like, I don’t care.
Like honestly you want to help me or not?
It’s not my problem anymore. Just let me die.
( Drone ends )
Part 3 - My last day
( Clock ticking )
So I took about….maybe six months planning it.
I wanted to make that last few months the best memories.
( Dark music )
6 June, 9pm.
Ok, It's your last day on earth, let’s just live this day to the fullest man..
You know, just live it.
I even wrote a suicide note.
Gabriella : You can just not worry anymore.
I know you spent a lot of money on me,
you can just go on holidays without me.
Things could be so much better.
You can see that people spending a lot of time helping you, you feel very burdened.
So why are they helping you?
Who are you that they need to help you?
Yeah, you don't want to burden others.
It's not their fault, it's really all mine, it's just me.
There wasn't any pushing of blame, it was really more of….Thanks for everything.
( Door opens, closes )
I did it in my room at 9pm, my parents were having dinner outside.
So I overdosed and after an hour, I had to throw up in the toilet.
My helper realized I was throwing up.
She called my mom, because I was not responding.
I was puking out white foam already.
So my mum brought me to the nearest hospital.
She was so confused, didn't know what was happening.
( Hospital heart monitor beeping )
They had to flush out my stomach. I was very dead already by then.
They said if a few more minutes late, things would have been worse.
After that I was sent to SGH, then to IMH.
When I woke up, my dad was normal.
But my mom, suddenly very careful around me.
People suddenly become very conscious around you, tiptoe around you.
It makes me very uncomfortable.
The first thing that came to my mind was
( Intense drone starts )
( Traffic )
I was walking my dog one day.
Somehow I went to the last floor, but I couldn't jump with my dog.
That would be a very sinful thing. I also couldn’t bear to jump and leave my dog alone.
What's she gonna do there?
So my thought was, just send her home then go back up.
But then my mom was home. I can't go out again.
( Traffic fades. Intense drone ends )
Part 4 - The voices inside
( School bell. School ambience )
Soon, school just occupied all my time.
You meet new friends, the people around you become more supportive.
Therapy helps. Medicines help. Yeah. And mindset is a very important thing.
You have to stop thinking “I want to die” but… things will be better next day.
Like enjoy moments you have with your friends, what you will miss if you were gone today?
You really have to start. Even though it was very hard.
You have to learn how to overcome it and think in different perspectives.
( Dark music )
It's very hard to NOT think about suicide.
It’s always there. So I try to fight back my thoughts.
Gabriella : Am I just going to keep suffering in my life over and over again?
Like until I die? Is it really worth it?
To continue like this, or rather,
try to find the little things to appreciate?
There are still days when you wake up and still a bit depressed, still sad.
You just have to know it's part of the recovery.
( Night cricket )
It's especially loud at night because everywhere is quiet,
that's when all the thoughts start attacking you.
You really need someone to be there for you.
Someone you can trust and talk to.
You really can't do this alone. It's really too hard to do this alone.
( Dark music ends )
Part 5 - Free yourself
( Wind Chimes )
You just gotta have a bit of hope.
People are there to help out or listen.
And patience, that you really want to recover,
and not expect anything to turn over overnight.
( Pensive music )
Try to distract yourself. Talk to friends. It really helps ease your mind.
Why not next week we go for a picnic?
Then you look forward to that “next week”, which will help you go through this two weeks.
I try to look for something to live for.
Yeah. I wouldn't say I'm living for myself, but more of like,
living for people who you appreciate and love. just try to live for someone first.
Maybe just one step. Baby steps.
So I went to this dog rescue and feed stray dogs. I love seeing people being happy.
It makes me happy when I see people happy, when you see the dogs coming towards you.
So that’s one of my main values in life.
A sense of accomplishment also.
Hey look, I did something today.
I made them happy and it gets me moving on.
Hey next week, I'll be able to make them happy again.
Yeah. So it's all these little things that really help push me on.
I want to be a psychologist someday, to help others.
( Wind chimes. Gentle wind )
You have to free yourself from all these sufferings.
Even if the world don’t believe in you, you have to believe in yourself.
Even if everyone else is giving up on you,
you have to believe that you can make it through, you will get better.
It will really make you stronger as a person.
All these sufferings will be worth it, one day.
( Music ends. Wind fades )
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