Losing her only child to suicide, Jessie Marie survives with hope, faith and love for others. Walk with Jessie Marie on her journey of self liberation and purpose.
At 10 years old, after a bad scolding from his father on his birthday, he asked me "Mom, why did you give birth to me?”
When the investigating officer asked if he was going to do it again, he said yes.
The only safe place that I could think of then, was the hospital.
• Feelings of distress, despair and/or hopelessness
• Persistent drop in mood
• Thoughts of suicide and/or self-harm
• Talking about and/or planning for death
• Self-harm behaviours
• Increase in risk-taking and/or reckless behaviours
• Loss of interest in favourite activities/hobbies, school and/or work
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Neglect of personal hygiene and/or appearance
• Changes in eating habit and/or weight
• Changes in sleep pattern
• Difficulty concentrating
• Substance use/abuse
With the tragic and irreversible consequences of a suicide, we often look back in hindsight and wonder whether warning signs were missed and more could have been done. The reasons why a person ends his or her own life are often complex, and everyone is different.
That kept him alive for four months.
But his psychological pain inside, was not dealt with.
Social stigma occurs when one has a negative perception of a person with a mental health condition because of the condition. For example, the person might be labelled as ‘crazy’ rather than being understood as someone who is experiencing depression. For persons living with mental health conditions, the harmful effects of social stigma can include:
There's just so many things people don't know, because it's such a taboo subject.
My son's still here, he's not completely lost.
That’s a very comforting thought.
Learn the facts about mental health conditions.
One’s discomfort and stigmatised views about persons with mental health conditions often stem from how little one knows about the conditions.
Recognise that a person is more than the mental health condition.
A person with a mental health condition has strengths, goals, aspirations, and hopes, just like all of us.
Be aware of our negative stereotypes of persons with mental health conditions.
Becoming aware of our own biased beliefs and views can reduce their impact in our interactions with others.
Refrain from using language that puts the condition before the person.
For example, say ‘the person is experiencing psychosis’ instead of ‘the person is psychotic’.
Know that it can happen to you too.
Knowing that mental health issues can affect all of us at some point in our lives means that there is no ‘us’ and ‘them’.
Taking the first step to seek help might be difficult. Help is available when you do.
Shan You Counselling Centre
Address: Block 5, Upper Boon Keng Road, #02-15, Singapore 380005
Phone: 6741 9293 (Mon, Wed – Friday, 9am – 6pm & Tue, 12pm – 9pm) excludingPH
Email: counselling@shanyou.org.sg
Provide counselling services to all in the community regardless of race and religion.
Institute of Mental Health 24-hour Emergency Services (Walk-in)
Address: 10 Buangkok View, Buangkok Green Medical Park, Singapore 539747
Provide urgent assessment and treatment for those who experience acute difficulties in their mental health.
Institute of Mental Health Helpline
6389 2222 (24 hours)
Provide support for those in mental health distress and/or seeking medical help.
Samaritans of Singapore Hotline
1800 221 4444 (24 hours) / 1767 (24 hours)
Provide emotional support for individuals having difficulty coping during a crisis, thinking of suicide and/or affected by suicide.
TOUCHline by Touch Youth Services
1800 377 2252 (Mon – Fri, 9am – 6pm)
A helpline for youth-related issues, including cyber wellness.
Care Corner Counselling Centre Hotline (Mandarin)
1800 353 5800 (Daily, 10am – 10pm) excludingPH
Provide counselling in Mandarin for individuals and families.
National Care Hotline
1800 202 6868 (Daily, 8am – 12am)
Provide emotional support for individuals whose lives have been disrupted by the COVID-19 outbreak.
Note: Information is correct at the time of printing but may be subject to change.
( Baby cooing )
( Ethereal music )
I quit my job to have a family. I always wanted to be a mom.
My son came along and he was my miracle child.
He grew up as a very cheerful boy. But his father was emotionally abusive.
( Door slams )
Once, he scolded him for two hours because he was unhappy with his exam results.
Next day he fell sick and I had to bring him to see a psychiatrist.
He was diagnosed with major anxiety disorder before his PSLE.
Slowly, he started hiding behind sofas and in his wardrobe. Refused to go to school.
Not because he's lazy, because he was scolded so badly,
he completely lost his self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence.
( Door slams. Intense drone )
At 10 years old, after a bad scolding from his father on his birthday,
he asked me "Mom, why did you give birth to me?”.
Jessie : Ahh you know, your father's like that. Don't worry about it.
He doesn't mean what he says.
I tried to pacify him, but wasn't empathizing with him.
I should have empathized with him.
I was also going through depression after my divorce, I was suicidal.
When I came out of my depression, I didn't know that he was in depression.
I only knew about it when his girlfriend’s mother called and told me
he was seeing a psychiatrist and on medication.
( Drone ends )
Part 2 - I don't understand why
( Cadres marching. Intense drone )
Then he went to NS.
Because of depression, he didn't want to be involved in the morning gatherings.
He preferred to stay in the office.
I quickly got in touch with his superiors to tell them.
But his campmates were already accusing him of being lazy.
They also bullied him. Took his wallet, took his phone, you know?
And he had to call me, he didn't know what to do.
You know what the superior told me?
Superior : Oh it's okay. Don't worry about it.
They're just playing a prank on him.
Then his girlfriend broke up with him.
He didn't share all this with me until after his first attempt.
( Heart rate monitor beeping. Hospital ambience )
Jessie : I don't understand why you tried to end your life?
You look so peaceful and calm.
Son : Mom, that was the happiest time of my life
because I knew that in one week's time, my pain would end.
When the investigating officer asked if he was going to do it again, he said yes.
The only safe place that I could think of then, was the hospital.
He told me -
Son : Mom, this is not the place to recover.
The medicines don’t work.
He kept telling me he wanted to see the girl again.
The girl already broke off with him twice, there’s no point giving him any hope.
She wasn't really good for him.
But he gave me an ultimatum -
Son : Within one month, you arrange for me to see her.
I knew he was still suicidal, I didn't allow for his discharge.
Son : If you are going to keep me here,
don't come to see me anymore.
So I had no choice but to get him discharged and look after him myself at home.
Part 3 - His battle with psychache
( Door knocking )
It's very tough for a caregiver to look after a teenager who’s suicidal.
You feel you can’t trust your child anymore
because you don’t know when they are capable of attempting suicide again.
You can only protect them physically. You can't do anything else because he doesn't talk.
( computer games )
Being isolated physically from all his friends,
he found solace in building his own virtual community through his gaming.
That kept him alive for four months.
But his psychological pain inside, was not dealt with.
( Intense drone )
Four months later, one morning, I discovered him….he had died by suicide.
Suddenly you realized, your only child's gone, your future is gone too.
I was a single mom, at my age, there’s no way you can bear another child.
You’d never have a chance to be a mom anymore.
No one to call you mom anymore…
You won’t have someone even to call you grandma….
He left me a few suicide notes.
Son : Mom, don't do whatever I did.
Be happy. Be strong. Move On.
My son didn't want to end his life. He only wanted to end his pain.
It was so clear in his suicide notes.
I relied a lot on those words to help me….to get through the different stages of my grief.
( Drone ends )
Part 4 - The S word
( Traffic. Contemplative music )
The first 3 years after he’s gone, what I went through, was mostly a lot of shame.
Yeah, because suicide is such a stigma.
Social stigma and self stigma.
People always see suicide that’s happening to a family is…
Oh, maybe they weren’t very good parents, she wasn't a good mother, she must have done something wrong to him, you know, for him to do that, without really knowing the history, knowing what happened.
Many people tend to be judgmental.
For people to just judge like that, it really reinforces the stigma.
When my son was having depression, I didn't even tell his uncle. So difficult to tell them.
The stigma, even within the family.
So can you imagine, it is even worse with the public.
There's just so many things people don't know, because it's such a taboo subject.
( Music ends )
( Conference hall ambience )
I attended a suicide prevention Workshop before.
Some didn't even dare to say the word “suicide”.
They call it the S word. Even mentioning the word is so difficult for people.
One of the reasons why people sweep it under the carpet is because
they had this mentality that it will never happen to them.
That it is always somebody else's problem.
But it is so common, depression and anxiety, especially among our youths today.
Suicide prevention is everybody's business.
( Contemplative music )
Really.. I want to tell the authorities and society : teenage suicide crisis is a serious thing.
One life lost is one too many, one life saved is all worth it.
Please, wake up. Please.
( Music ends )
Part 5 - He lives on
I wanted to make sense of it all. So I went into research.
It helps me actually, with the knowledge, I’m liberated from this self-stigma.
( Indoor audience ambience. Clapping )
I was given an opportunity to share my story with 80 caregivers.
That was the first time that I ever appeared in front of an audience.
The next day, I got a sort of…like a complete closure.
( Hopeful music )
It’s not a total loss for me.
Because when I shared, it was like….I still have my son.
My silent partner when I am involved in suicide prevention work.
My son's still here, he's not completely lost.
That’s a very comforting thought.
It really helped me to push on, but it’s not easy.
Every time I prepare a script, I have to recall a lot of things and….I break down.
But it encourages other parents, suicide loss survivors.
It helps them to know…hey, there is healing in the grieving.
There’s this plant in my son’s bedroom.
I speak to the plant, nurture and water it twice a day, like a mother.
( Watering of plants )
It reminds me each day, he is alive in heaven until we reunite..
Its growth and healthy green leaves is a sign - my son’s soul lives on.
( Baby cooing )
He is still with me and very much a part of my daily life.
Son : Mom, Be happy. Be strong. Move On!
My son's still here, he's not completely lost.
( Music ends )
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